~Genny-Raskin

Not much to say, really. (though I did say much)
I just felt like changing the journal.

This year is a really important one in my life, I am getting to some important understandings about myself, I analyze my life from different view points, find the problems I had within myself and learning to deal with them...

The qualities that fascinates me the most is... That despite all of what was happening during the years and despite some of things I was doing and thinking... I remained... I was brave at times, stubborn as hell, sometimes annoying as one too , and I had very strict beliefs (This is not about the religion, this something is deeper in me) which held me in one piece despite all the shit, some of the people tried to do to me and done... Trying to fail me in different situations, to hurt as much as they could without doing it straight physically... And "illegally"...

I don't want to frighten you or something, but I guess that I realized only in this weekend, how much in danger my sanity was all those years...

I guess that at some points of our lives, each "thinking" person has her/his dangerous moments.

It feels kind a weird. To understand that some things I just made up...Trying too hard to figure out things that were not actually there in that proportions I thought of about them... I only can imagine how it looked from the outside... I always was kind a weirdo I guess, it is part of being me... Maybe it is where my creativity comes from... It is quite hard to understand that it is all genetics and chemical process in the brains... the feelings... thoughts... imagination... story lines... books... drawings... prose... dyslexia... concentration problems... depressions...

It acquired me some abilities too... Like, I can spot people who can hurt me, if I can take a glance at their eyes or when someone is hiding something, a feeling or a fact... Or just compassion to other...

I just wish I could overcome my difficulties...
Concentration, really short nerves... long depressions... having sometimes weak will toward some particular things...(like homework and some stupid daily needs) I am quite tired myself from all of those. But I am too damn stubborn to cease the fighting, I will not rest until I find the solution.
And I believe that there is. My problems will never disappear, but I can learn how to manage them, use them, and overcome them.

I am moving on and improving. I am always seeking, trying, finding, working hard to improve... I learned how to deal with my dyslexia, so it almost don't bother me now. (I feel like I could write a book on it if I was bored enough...) It took many years though to master, and a lot of research on myself... Sometimes I had help from multiple people, and thanks to them, I am where I am now. In university.

So maybe it is time to say thanks to them... For any type of help I ever got:
First would be members of my family, who had to deal with me for years... My mommy, sister, well yeah, even my father.
My grandparents, whom I won't just let go as maybe I should...Whom I miss a lot...
My dear friends and other relatives, list will not end if I start it...
And you, my DA friends.

Sometimes it is just important to say thanks. And how much I value your concern and tries to help me. Even though you can't be always sure if you helped me or not...

Anyways, I'll cut off the nonsense now... if anyone is capable of understanding... (anyone but psychologist or a psychiatrist, all of those who know what ADD is and all the package that can come along...)

Hey, don't be too worried, I am ok. Just feeling weirder than usually.

I hope you will remain my friends after reading that.

See ya.

Genny.

I miss ya all.
I am busy and lifeless.

Feeling like crap... I hate this weather, making me want to pull my skin off...

Holly shit, too much exams and homework... I hope I can handle it, without repeating a whole year!

Well see ya, back then, when i'll have life.

Have a nice time, I hope you like my gallery.



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I have opened a new gallery here on DA, my name there is: Dancing-Lights:

_______________________

My dear sister!!!

~~~~~~


-----*Clubs*-----


-----*My DA friends*-----
(her fractal acount)

If you don't feel like reading about my motivation brake, you better stop now, there is nothing insulting here, but I just want only those people who really want to help me, to pay attention to this journal.

Well, I have a motivation brake. I can't figure out what I really want in my life, or to do in my life. Nothing is wrong in any particular way. I am supposed to be happy, cause many people dream for all what I have. Ya, great now sound like an Emo, hurray to me.
I can't find nor hope no strengh in myself to pull myself out of this feeling and start doing thing i should, like putting a lot of efforts into studying.
It is just, that I am not sure if this is what I truly want now, despite the fact that I dreamt of it since I was 16.
It is just... so freaking difficult! Once i see how much there is to be done I am getting too frightened... Besides many times i have hard time to concentrate...I just can't keep myself sitting in one place an learning all the time, which is quite essential if i want to proceed... But do I want?

Yeah, if my parents and dear sister will see that journal they will probably kill me for it... They are working so hard, so I can stay in the University!

And i actually like the things we are learning, they are really interesting though are really complicated...

I know that nobody said that it is going to be easy, but studying never was an easy thing to me... Actually I hated school, for different reasons.

But I thought that maybe one of you, my DA friends, will have some advice, something that will give me hope, strengh and motivation. Cause I always dreamt about this moment, and now it is here and i don't know what to do...

It looks quite obvious, get your ass on that freaking chair and learn, stop act like a pure emo. But maybe at some place every one has her/his breakdown... I am just had the first semester and I was so stressed out, that i am afraid' it will come back and I'll find myself in a hospital with nerves breakdown... Or in a psychiatric office telling about my youth and being offered a medications... I don't want any chemistry pills to mess with my brains, I don't think that I need it... I like my brains as they are I guess...oO

I always had the strength, the hope, the determination when i was younger and the more people mistreated me, more stubborn i was, proving to everybody that they were wrong about me... And now when I have already proved... People believe in me and no one mistreat me any more, fill kind an emptiness... Fucking shit! Everything is ok now, but somehow I can't see any purpose why to continue fighting, or doing anything, why to proceed?

i seems that i will not let go of my childhood, somehow I don't want to , cause aside the shit i had to suffer i had beautiful moments too, of which i am really proud and I don't want to let go of them, because each time i remember those moments i get a smile on my face.

Woha, sorry you have to suffer this... But I needed to say that somehow, somewhere my relatives, well, almost all of them... will not get really hurt...

If you have any practical suggestion, than be welcomed to share it, but if you don't have anything encouraging to say, then don't bother.

(Sorry if any Emos were hurt in process of reading this journal)


See ya, Genny.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have opened a new gallery here on DA, my name there is: Dancing-Lights:

_______________________

My dear sister!!!

~~~~~~


-----*Clubs*-----


-----*My DA friends*-----
(her fractal acount)

I have a Birth Day today, I am 22 now.

It is very special day, because in 9-th of may in Russia there are great celebrations of a victory over the Nazis in WW2. (by Sun calendar)
I was born (22 years ago) right away after the fireworks were shot in the red square in Moscow (the capital of Russia).

This year it is even more special, because the special dates of the Sun and Lunar calendar are come together in this year.

Hebrew calendar is Lunar. Yesterday our dear country - Israel - celebrated our 60-th independence day. (by Lunar calendar)

- But Before the independence day, there was a memorial day for all the fallen soldiers and citizens from the wars and terrorism against the Jews and Israelis.
In the week before, there was a day of a memory for the fallen and slaughtered during the WW2 and the Holocaust. WE must remember, respect the fallen by avoiding it from happening again. -

And now, back to the happier notes about the independence day:

The celebrations were major all over the country the night before, and yesterday every sane Israeli went to forest and made a picnic with their families.

But I am insane, since, instead of celebrating I was learning to the next exams! Hooray to me. And that's what I'll do tomorrow, I mean today. (now is 1:05 AM by Israeli clock)

My friends told me they will come today, but I announced that I don't arrange anything! So it is all up to them. ^________^


I have an exam on the 12-th and 15-th.

Wish me luck and success! Cause I'll really need that!


BTW, the feature thing I'll do later. (those who know - well, they just know).


See ya, Genny.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have opened a new gallery here on DA, my name there is: Dancing-Lights:

_______________________

My dear sister!!!

~~~~~~


-----*Clubs*-----


-----*My DA friends*-----
(her fractal acount)

I am still alive....?....!

Hello ya, my dear friends!

I am desperately busy in University. I have no time for anything. No time for art, for a fart, for food or for sleeping (and etc.)...

Well, with enormous part of help from my friend I am reworking my priorities... I slept yesterday all day long. And now I feel much better.

All last week passed, while a had a feeling that in every minute I am gonna faint...

Dear, Crowling Meower, I would not make it without you...
That sweet person, was all around me, helping me out, carrying my stuff, when I barely stood on my feet, making meals, being gentle and very, very patient. I was quite a pain in the ass for him (because he was the closest man at the moment), but he did not even think of leaving me.
Street... I have to say to you the next: .

I am so sorry I am inactive here, anyone who knows me at least a bit should know that I would like to be active. I have cool friends out here, and I miss you guys and girls.

But University now is more important. And all that pressure did not do me any good.

So, if you have any good suggestions for relaxation exercises activities or just advices, I would like to get some, BUT, I have no spare time, so it could not be like a long vocation or a trip, or movies and etc.

First semester going to end next week and then I'll have only 2 weeks before exams come, so you will not see me at least for another month...

BUT sometimes I come and check my messages and notes, so if you comment I'll answer (not right away, though).

Anyways, I miss you much, and hopefully I'll succeed in my exams, cause I really would like too!!!!

Best wishes, Genny.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have opened a new gallery here on DA, my name there is: Dancing-Lights:

_______________________

My dear sister!!!

~~~~~~


-----*Clubs*-----


-----*My DA friends*-----
(her fractal acount)